Vegan Militia (story)

[NOTE Originally posted on e-mail lists during May 1996]

Net posted April 1, 1999, 1045am EST

Vegan Militia Standoff Continues

Flagstaff, Arizona (ARNews) Talks continue between the Vegan Militia and federal authorities. Now in it's ninth day, the Vegan Militia maintains that until the federal government meets their demands, the standoff will not end. The standoff began when federal authorities attempted to storm the Vegan Militia Commune. Alert Vegan Militia members initiated a stampede of "liberated" farm animals, confusing federal agents. Shortly thereafter, Vegan Militia Minutemen fired upon the federal agents, expertly pinning down the agents with skillful "near misses". No humans or animals were injured or killed during the initial skirmish, prompting critics to suggest that the Vegan Militia were "firing blanks".

"We have four simple, just, and non-negotiable demands," stated B. Russell Sprout, spokesperson for the Vegan Militia, reading from the "Vegan Manifesto". The spokesperson strongly emphasized that the "Vegan Manifesto" was in no way related to the Tofubomber's "Veggie Manifesto".

The first demand is to repeal the so called "Veggie Hate Laws", laws making it possible for producers of agricultural products to sue people who falsely impugn the safety and purity of certain foodstuffs. The second demand is to impose a "Meat Tax" to offset the medical costs of meat eaters suffering from diseases caused by eating the Standard American Diet. Third, the Vegan Militia demands the establishment of "Hunter Refuges", where unarmed human hunters may freely hunt predator animals in order to "level the playing field". Fourth, to remove all government subsidies of "processed foods" with meat, dairy products, and eggs being declared "processed food". This fourth demand is aimed at discontinuing the use of federal lands for livestock grazing.

The one item that federal authorities have successfully negotiated is that the Vegan Militia will turn over their assault weapons. "We support the right to bear arms," said B. Russell Sprout. "However, we support a ban on all hunting rifles. Animals did not consent to be the victims of hunters. Assault weapons used against humans is another matter. We, at the Vegan Militia, will not fire upon other humans unless first fired upon. Being fired at by another human being is, in our opinion, implied consent to use weapons in self defense. We will only fire upon consenting humans."

The Vegan Militia is believed to have formed from the remnants of the Barstow Animal Rights Federation. B.A.R.F.'s armed protest march ended tragically on September 19, 1997, when Animal Rights activists, deeply divided on what was meant by the terms "direct action" and "animal liberation", began debating each other. The situation quickly deteriorated as the activists argued violently over minute details.

The growth of militant Vegetarian and Animal Rights extremist organizations has stirred interest within the federal government USDA, the Justice Department, as well as the ATF. After plunging beef sales and the "Veggie Summer of '96", the USDA sought to control plunging sales of livestock by encouraging and supporting legal measures by the private sector against leaders of Vegetarian and Animal Rights organizations. The USDA, in conjunction with Jane Renaldo, of the Justice Department, formed, "Task Force Big Max" to investigate the economic problems of the meat industry. As many of the most articulate and persuasive leaders of these separate but strongly related vegetarian and animal rights movements became bogged down by litigation, renegade vegetarian and animal rights activists formed highly elitist, militant organizations to maintain their beleaguered belief systems.